I just want to make it known that this isn't a topic I was too excited about
ever writing about, but I prayed about this blog post beforehand... & here it is. I just want to make it known that if anyone is reading this (at all!
LoL) who ever needs someone to talk to about the subject matter of this post... please don't hesitate to contact me. Leave a comment, write an e-mail! Anything! Just as much as you need someone to talk to, I do as well. :)
The title of this post has nothing to do with the baby fat I've been carrying around for nine whole months now (love that precious little boy of mine to
pieces, so I consider the demolition of my body well worth it). The weight I carry has taken physical tolls, but the weight I'm really referring to is more the emotional type.
It's been over two years now, although sometimes I can hardly remember the day, time, & year of when I was saved. But I never forget, & surely never will.
Months prior, I moved to a new area to be closer to family. No more
rockin' out in Austin, TX. I had been suspended from school due to academic failures. I was dating a drug dealer, big on the college scene. I was headed no where & fast. When I moved to Halls, Tn. I realized that sure enough I did make it no where, & it did happen quite fast! Nevertheless, I put on my Oakley's & put my cute little sports car into gear & took on the adventure!
This experience was one of the worst of all of the moves I had made in my lifetime. I've lived in Houston, Texas, Bar Harbor, Maine, New Orleans, Louisiana,
ATX, but Halls.... oh goodness. Never had I met an unfriendlier area. Of course, the guys were all sweet as could be. They wanted a
piece of the new girl, but being the picky girl I've always been, only a select few even got close enough for a CHANCE at a taste of these sweet puckers! The girls couldn't stand to be around me. I had a few girls who took a minute to get to know me & we hit it off only to hear later that I "was nice, but too pretty! I don't want her NEAR my boyfriend!" LIKE I WANTED LEROY JR. IN THE FIRST PLACE?! *shrug* I was stuck there with no friends, missing my pill dealing boyfriend who kept begging me to move back to him, &no matter how hard you worked you couldn't get paid barely a dime! In Austin I had gotten well
accustomed to
waitressing & bringing home $200-$300 a night!
Finally, I started to make some friends. It was like it all happened so fast! Of course, the friends I made were of the rich-kid partying variety so I fell right back into the drug scene, partied all hours of the night, met some people I'd never let my son (or future kiddos) hang out with. I doubt detail is needed, you can probably imagine! During this time I even met a few good people. People who started the process of helping me pick different paths, people who made me want to do better again, people who made me feel worthwhile. One in particular who I will always remember as the person who God placed in my path to help pick me up after I fell.
So the weekend before summer classes started, after I had quit all the other drugs I had been doing... I decided to quit smoking pot! I had been a dedicated
stoney stoner since my first years of high school, but I just felt ready to quit. SO Saturday night, I went to the only store that would have been open past 10pm, & everyone is out, about, &ready to shout! (
Yeeeehaw! Know what I mean??
LoL!) I had a few options of where to go for the night to at least get my drink on. I hadn't given that up yet! I had originally planned to surprise a special someone but the special someone didn't have the best skills of communicating & after something was said & misread, I had decided to cancel those plans. I figured I'd make it easy for myself to just stay away from any parties where I knew burnouts would be so I didn't cave & smoke. I chose to party with the rich-kid
partyers.
SO...
I catch a ride with one guy to a club our friend owns. On the way, he changes direction to a house party. We meet up with a kid who had been trying tirelessly to get my attention, with no such luck. I remember him getting an attitude with me a few times because of the attention I had been showing that special someone I referred to earlier (who also happened to be one of his acquaintances). So, we show up to the house party. Or their excuse for a house party, rather. Right away I feel odd about the whole situation. I look around & do a head count... there's five guys here... &... me? I ask where
everyone's at. They respond with "On the way", & "At the store". Then the Weasel offers up shots to everyone. I'm a shot kind of girl, so I was all about it!
Jager bombs!
WHOO! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! *Fist Pumping* There was just one thing... one cardinal rule, which slipped through my finger tips. I didn't see him pour the shots. The shots were there & ready when we showed up. This is where Homer hits himself, screaming "
Doh!"
During the rest of the night, I am in & I am out. At one point I remember stumbling to the restroom, peeing, & wiping...thinking "What in the world? What's that?? It's not like I'm into any of those guys..". I remember going to the convenience store with the Weasel to get more alcohol. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the convenience store I had originally started at 20 minutes away, with the Weasel. He was saying something, but I couldn't make it out. I remember being naked at the Weasel's house, in his swimming pool & almost drowning. I remember being in his bed, pushing him away.
I remember.
Then I remember waking up to a phone call... I answer to hear a worried voice, look around in confusion, then with a pounding head & sore throat I start screaming "Oh my God... Oh MY God..OH MY GOD!" I hang up.
There is Weasel.
Weasel apparently had his shower already, & is walking around his room like he's walking on sunshine.
Again, I start to fall back out...
I am in & I am out.
For the next two days.
During those days, I went to the sheriff's department, who transported me to a Memphis Rape Crisis Center (where I was treated like a street walker until the nurse realized I was SOMEBODY...a student in college, & cheerleader AT LEAST!), I tested positive for
methamphetamine, opiates & THC, I met with a rape advocate, I cried in the arms of loved ones, I screamed & kicked & got in my car just to drive ...away.
After the drugs wore off, I wouldn't allow myself to sleep. For days, for weeks.
During those weeks, I dealt with being harassed by all walks of life. Because I had gone to the police, because I was pressing charges... it was a Hurricane Katrina of bullshit being thrown my way. Friends of the Weasel tried to run me off the road! People gathered in areas I normally would have gone to in attempt to jump me! It was just mayhem. As if I hadn't been through enough!
I was a frail angel... I had been chewed, spit out, beaten, broken & ripped apart.
I was hurting so bad, & one day...driving along a back road, crying as I listened to music. It hit me out of nowhere. I knew where I needed to go. So I went. I drove to
Westside Baptist, the only church I knew anything about (thanks to that special someone, who had performed a concert there one evening). I couldn't bring myself to go inside. I wasn't dressed for it, of course. I was also very unsure.
That evening, in
Wal-Mart with my grandma... God put in our paths the owners of that same church,
Westside Baptist. It turned out that my grandma knew them & she introduced me. Immediately they saw the longing & pain in my eyes. They gave me contact information & I saw them again that Sunday.
I met with the Pastor. We spoke about being saved, & it slapped me right across the face... when I woke up, calling to God those three times out loud...
that was the moment He saved me. After this message hit my ears, it was like peace on Earth. There was a change in me & around me. Of course, God was preparing me for dealing with the wicked. Which I did. At the time, I felt no justice was served. Now I know that no judge has power in comparison to the Lord. GOD is JUST! He has already collected debts, & I am sure there are more payments to be made.
Isaiah 30:18 "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
The hardest thing in dealing with this traumatic experience has been with
forgiveness. Jesus hung from a cross & prayed for his persecutors. How could I ever forgive? Where or who do I start with? Sometimes it is good to start with God. A lot of times people will go through something so tragic & traumatic... all they can do is begrudge God, demanding to know why them! What needs to be done first is to realize no matter how awful the situation, it will get better as soon as you put it in God's hands... because He has a plan! He had one all along!
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "
Another place to start with forgiveness is forgiving YOURSELF! In my situation, I knew better to drink those shots which I did not see poured myself... but I can't turn back time. I can only learn from my mistakes & let my light shine! It is much better to learn from others mistakes than go through the hardships yourself.
As for forgiving the people involved... I've felt the power of God trying to help me heal with this issue, & I feel like I'm ready to face the Weasel & announce this forgiveness. I feel like I have forgiven, but it won't be official to me until he knows. This has been the hardest chapter in this story but it feels incredible to know that this book is finally coming to a long-awaited end.
I am healed!(&you can be too!)Thank you for reading this post.
God Bless!
X's &
O's!
